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Posts published in “Quip”

Coworker

Messenger Boy — Who's the swell guy you was talkin' to, Jimmie?
Newsboy — Aw! Him an' me's worked together for years. He's the editor o' one o' my papers.

At Last

Judge (opening a divorce case) — What seems to be the trouble with you people?
She (speaking enthusiastically) — Your honor, we have been trying ever since we were married to discover something in common, and we have finally found it - we both want a divorce.

Cheery Chaff

Freddie — What's an optimist, dad?
Cobwigger — He's the fellow who doesn't know what's coming to him.

He Knew

Young Bachelor — I often wonder if I'm making enough money to get married on.
Old Benedick — Well, I don't know how much you're making, but you aren't.

The Worst Thing

The worst thing you can say about an actress is — nothing.

Fishing on Sunday

Lady (to small boy who is fishing) — I wonder what your father would say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?
Boy — I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little farther up the stream.

Unspecified

Office boy — My vacation begins tomorrow.
His chum — How long have yer got?
Office boy — As long as I like. The boss told me I needn't come back at all.

It Depended

"Doesn't that shouting outside annoy you?"
"I can't say until I find out whether it is being done by my own or the neighbor's children."

No Answer

There was a lull during the convention.
Some one shouted: "The people rule."
Someone else inquired: "Where?"
And then there was another lull.

Fraction

The hypocrite leads, not a double life, but a half life.