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Posts published in “Quip”

Treasure Seeker

“I tell you,” snapped the spare, austere dame, “men put too much money in clothes nowadays.”
“Huh!” ejaculated the woman with the faded gown; “I’ve gone through my husband’s clothes a hundred times and I never found more than a nickel in ‘em.”

Pride

As we wander along through this vale of tears,
It is plain, among other things,
That no song is as sweet to a donkey’s ears
As the song that the donkey sings.

Beautifying the City

“Mister, would you contribute a dollar to help beautify your thriving city?”
“What’s the idea?”
“A dollar will buy me a ticket to the next town.”

Not Quite

“Did your love affair pan out?”
“No. All wrong. I’m married now.”

Does Seem Strange

“We Americans have our oddities.”
“How now, Horatius?”
“A man will boast in one breath that all Americans are free and equal, and in the next that he associates only with our best people.”

To Toil Not

“That boy says his only ambition is to make a living without work.”
“What are his parents going to do for him?”
“Make a politician out of him.”

No Idolatry There

“I hope you are not bringing up your children to worship money, Hawkins,” said Dubbleigh.
“No, indeed,” sighed Hawkins. “Why, Dubb, my children despise money so much that the minute a dollar comes their way they get rid of it as fast as they can.”

A Sad Discovery

“How does Brown like the high position he was recently promoted to?”
"Not very well."
"But I thought it was paying him $10,000 a year?”
"So it is. But he’s discovered that his employers expect him to earn it.”

Plenty to Do

“Don’t you think the government ought to regulate corporations?”
"I don’t know,” replied Senator Sorghum, “sometimes I think a government official has enough to do to get elected to a job and hold on to it without assuming any more responsibility .”

Their Friendship Shattered

She — How did they ever come to marry?
He — Oh, it’s the same old story. Started out to be good friends, you know, and later on changed their minds.